


I Can't Remember/I Can't Forget

by AstridMyrna



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Drama, F/M, Melodrama, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 02:18:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16076279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstridMyrna/pseuds/AstridMyrna
Summary: After the end of the Galactic Civil War, Jyn has made a comfortable life for herself in Naboo. She's almost to a point where she can feel "normal", but then Cassian comes back into her life after breaking up with her two years ago.





	I Can't Remember/I Can't Forget

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ibonekoen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibonekoen/gifts).



> I did another moodboard fic exchange but with ibonekoen this time!

                                                                                  

If someone had told Jyn while before the mission in Scarif that the Rebellion would defeat the Empire, flush out the Imperial forces in her new home in Theed, and give her a fairly cushy office job, she would have told them to lay off the dreamdust. However, she ran alongside the lush green bank of the Solleu river in her silver spangled outfit that hid her multitude of scars, the grand palace’s turrets peeking above the more urban part of the city in view. 

She stopped to take a breather at the bridge, flexing her fingers over the skin-tight material of the new outfit. It was a surprise to herself that she bought the overpriced leggings and tank top, but it was pretty, and she felt a little less out of place when she glanced at other joggers passing by. A growing trend was to have abstract shapes cut along the legs, or the back, or the chest area. Jyn didn’t have the stones for that. She smiled at herself when she realized that she was so worried about something as trivial as fashion. It was another sign that she was adapting towards civilian life.

A fat raindrop plunked on the middle of her scalp, and she groaned as she jogged towards home. Soldier or civilian, it sucked getting caught in the rain.

Her home was in the suburban outskirts of Theed, bordered by the glossy fields that hummed with life in the sunshine, but were silent under the threat from the oncoming storm. Jyn picked up the pace as she heard the faraway rolls of thunder, and skidded to a stop after she turned a corner. The cul-de-sac here was flat, and it was only another moment until she would have reached the iron-wrought fence that framed her front lawn, except there was a huddled lump of a man sat in front of her gate. Her fingers reached for the vibroknife hidden in the pocket she had tailored in her leggings as she approached him.

But then the familiar gaunt face with tired brown eyes looked up at her.

“Cassian?” she gasped, nearly cutting her finger as she fumbled to switch the blade off.

He pushed himself slowly up by his knees, then buried his hands in the pockets of his stained and beaten black jacket pulled over his untucked blue knit shirt. Jyn couldn’t look away from his weary face, weighed down by his overgrown hair that curled over jawline, like he hadn’t cut it since they parted ways on Chandrila two years ago. He looked at her then like he did now, eyes soppy and sad even though it was his idea that they break things off in the first place (but she had agreed and gone along with it).

 He shifted his weight, then cleared his throat, and the next first thing that came out of his mouth was drowned out by the rolling thunder. She rushed passed him to open the gate, and cringed at the ripe smell that wafted off of him.

“Let’s get inside before you get soaked,” she said, even though the summer shower could clean him up a bit.

He followed her silently as she crossed the broken stone pathway to the front door, ducking underneath the flailing branches of the berry bushes that grew wildly in front of her window. Her fingers jumped on the key pad when lightening cracked overhead, and the lock flashed red and whined.

She took a breath, steadied herself. “Where are you coming from?”

“D’qar,” he answered, his voice low and rough.

The lock flashed green, but Jyn looked back at him.

“The outpost is still there?”

“Yes, but no one’s there. It’ll be another ruin soon enough.”

She wanted to reach up and caress his cheek like she did before to comfort him, and he would kiss the inside of her palm to signal that he was fine, but she balled her tingling fingers into fists instead. She needed to stick to their agreement. Her door was always open to him, but this wasn’t the war anymore. They weren’t soldiers anymore. They couldn’t ignore the trauma that forged their relationship, but they couldn’t rely on it to stay together anymore.

But Jyn took note of the lines around his eyes as he leaned over her, his frame shielding her from the light rain. Was he doing this on purpose, or was he showing in his own quiet way that he still cared about her? She opened her mouth to ask him but snapped it shut when the door slid open behind her. She pivoted forward and smiled at the well-meaning but ill-timed goose-necked G2 repair droid with bright yellow binoculars.

“Jyn! I was beginning to worry when the door unlocked but you hadn’t opened it. Who is this man that you brought with you?” Her tinny voice chirped when lightning cracked overhead. “Quickly, get inside before you fry your circuits!”

They rushed in just as another peal of thunder rolled in, close enough to make her legs tremble.

Crowded in the hallway and catching her breath, she said, “Cassian, this is G2-S5, G2-S5 this is Cassian.”

“Hello, G2-S5,” Cassian said, a polite smile on his face.

G2 bent her bronze body into a slight bow. “Salutations, Cassian. Were you aware that you smell quite awful? I would be more than happy to wash your clothes while you shower.”

“Jyn! I was beginning to worry when the door unlocked but you hadn’t opened it. Who is this man that you brought with you?”

“No. Cassian, this is G2-S5, G2-S5 this is Cassian.”

“Salutations, Cassian. Were you aware that you smell quite awful? I would be more than happy to wash your clothes while you shower.”

“Gee!” Jyn scolded the droid.

Cassian waved it off. “That’s probably a good idea if you don’t mind waiting, Jyn.”

“Take your time and I’ll get some tea set up.”

“And I’ll show you to the ‘fresher!” G2 piped in as she marched up the staircase.

Jyn watch Cassian follow the droid two for a moment before retreating to the kitchen to pull out the kettle and the packaged cookies, but he was going to need more than that, and quickly. There was canned soup in her pantry, tea, caf--he looked so damn tired, maybe it was better to have caf instead, so she pulled out the filter and silver bag of her best caf, and she was sure that she could put together a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches to go with the soup. She heard G2 clunk down the steps again, and peeked her head out to see the pile of clothes in her arms.

“Gee,” Jyn called out, rushing to the droid with a new idea. “I can take care of the laundry if you make the sandwiches and caf.”

“I thought you wanted tea?” G2 asked, clinging to the clothing. “Besides, I’m better at laundry than I am at making food.”

Jyn gritted her teeth. “Yes, but the more you practice at making food, the better you’ll be. Besides, I need to throw my running gear in the wash too.”

“Well why didn’t you say so? I’ll get right to it.”

G2 plopped the grimy clothes into her arms and stomped towards the kitchen while Jyn headed into the small laundry room in the back of the house. Through the lone window Jyn watched the sheets of rain batter her flower garden before examining each piece of his clothing. His black jacket was made of a thin, cheap material that was ripped at the cuffs of his sleeves. His blue shirt was stretched out, the back stained brown from unwashed sweat. His pants had been ripped, stitched together, and ripped again. Despite the dark colors, Jyn found the rusted splotches of blood that stained them. There were more holes than fabric left in his underwear and socks, and she wouldn’t be surprised if they disintegrated in the wash.

Despite how disgusting they were, she loaded the laundry as gently as if she was washing fine lace.

She slammed the washer door shut, the sound breaking something in her she didn’t realize was so fragile. The earth shifted under her feet and she grappled the edges of the machine to hold herself steady. Two years. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him in _two years_ , and she just invited him in to her home like she hadn’t seen him in two hours. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand to push back the prickle of tears, but she pressed her arms against her face as she curled over the washer. Her mouth was wide open but hardly a sound escaped as she cried.

They hadn’t left on bad terms. She could still feel his warm, tight embrace as they clung to each other in the apartment they used to share in Hanna City, her materials in boxes while he carried his on his back. His heart thrummed so fast, but hers thumped slowly against her ribs. They hadn’t left on bad terms, but neither wanted to let the other one go even though it was the best thing for them. It was only a matter of time before she would grow to hate the man she learned to love. They hadn’t left on bad terms, even kissing each other once more to silently say goodbye and wish the other luck and hope to never see each other again.

They hadn’t left on bad terms, but it felt like the worst decision of her life. For years during the war he was her home, her shelter, her place to flay herself open because he was the only man she trusted to stitch her back together. They kept each other alive and stoked the flames of hope when everything was falling apart. But if he wanted to go, she couldn’t hold him down. She had focused on herself for these last two years, and when the creeping loneliness of living by herself in the city overwhelmed her, she found G2-S5 and offered her a place to stay. Things were finally starting to get better, starting to feel what should be normal…and now he was here, showering two floors above her while she cried over him.

After a few minutes, Jyn stood straight up and inhaled deeply enough to feel the old wound in her heart sting again. She would deal with this pain in her own time. She headed upstairs to wipe down and change into one of her favorite blouses: a billowy milk white blouse overlaid with lace, the sleeves slightly puffy over her elbows. She pulled on a pair of black slacks before brushing her hair, which hung loose over her shoulders. After touching up her mascara, she heard the washer buzzer go off and the familiar _clunk-CLUNK_ of G2-S5’s heavy step down the stairs. For once she was grateful for the droid’s short attention span as she dashed to the kitchen to finish putting together the sandwiches and prepare the soup.

It didn’t take long for Cassian’s clothes to dry, and Jyn had G2 bring them up to Cassian while she set lunch on the oval glass coffee table. Her skylight switched to solar mode and warmed the living room in its white glow. Her hands hovered over the silver-rimmed coffee cups, unsure if she should set them side-by-side or adjacent to each other. Adjacent meant he would sit in the chair instead of share the couch with her, close but not so that he would think that…

Her thoughts stalled when she heard G2 and Cassian thump down the stairs.

“So, G2-S5, how did you end up with Jyn?” Cassian asked, his voice still gruff.

“Well, after the war my ship was decommissioned and I needed to find new work. I ran across Jyn when she offered to reprogram me to do more domestic tasks, which was fine with me. It’s stressful, not knowing if I’m going to fixing an astromech one minute and being blown up with the ship the next. I like living here much better, though I still have a lot to learn. Jyn is patient with me most of the time.”

“She’s good company too.” Jyn added as they entered the living room, taking the chair. “Please, have something to eat.”

“Thank you.” Cassian said as he sat on the couch, but he turned to G2. “Will you be joining us, G2?”

“Oh no, I won’t be. I can repair almost anything, Cassian Andor, but I cannot repair relationships between organics. I will be upstairs watching _A Song of Oil and Water_ if you need me.”

Both Jyn and Cassian were left speechless as the droid march away of her own volition. Cassian was the first to snap his jaw shut and look at Jyn, his cheeks still pink from the hot shower he took. His hair was still damp, but combed back and out of his eyes save for a stubborn strand that hung over his left eyebrow. Jyn pinched her mouth shut and served him caf and waved a hand over the pile of meat and cheese sandwiches enough to feed half an army. Cassian ate two and drained three cups of caf before he finally spoke.

“I’m glad to see you’re doing well for yourself, Jyn. Still working for Leia?” he asked, his voice stronger now.

She flushed, feeling his eyes examine every polished inch of her, but she sipped the black caf before answering.

“Yeah, transferred here almost a year ago. It’s nice, being in between the the city and nature. The work’s been engaging too, especially since the Empire had such a terrible grip on this place.”

“How are Leia and Han doing?”

“Well enough. Their kid keeps them busy. How long were you in D’qar?”

“Not long,” he said between bites. “Just a place to lie low for a little while.”

“Get yourself into new trouble?”

“No, but the past has a way of tracking you down. I took care of it.”

“Good. So what are you doing now?”

“Travelling.”

“For who?”

“For myself. Trying to find a place to stay but nothing feels like…”

Thunder rumbled overhead, making them both look up. A tingle ran up Jyn’s spine, but she inhaled slowly to coax her fluttering heart to calm down. She wasn’t a chunk of sugar that would melt in the rain. The thunder and lightning was bad but they were inside, her home had plenty of food that could last them both a good long while in case they needed to hunker down.

“I still miss it,” Cassian whispered.

Jyn looked at him, but his weary eyes stared down at his hands hanging over his thighs. Jyn swallowed hard, but her heart still thumped in her throat.

“These last two years I have been smuggling myself on to ships from planet to planet because my pension only pays for food and a room. Sometimes I’d pick up a job here or there. Sometimes I’d even stick with one for a couple of months until I couldn’t work any longer. I’d quit, find a ship, head to a new city or a new planet. It’s not the same, though. Back during the war, there was a goal for every new place I traveled to. We were working towards something, something I knew I’d never live to see. I had done so many terrible things, travelled to so many different places, risked my life so many times, but there was a point to it.”

The thunder rolled again, like it had used up the last of its strength and was fading away. Jyn squeezed her hands in her lap.

“I miss it too,” she said, her voice wavering. “The peace and quiet is nice here, but it’s lonely. You don’t find the same sort of friends here that you would in the trenches.”

“No, I don’t suppose you would,” he murmured.

“Are we still friends?”

She realized that she sat at the edge of her chair, her whole body leaning towards him. Her fingertips brush against his knee. His eyes snapped up at her, wide and pleading. His lips quirked into a determined frown as he bit back what he _wanted_ to say. No one else would be able to read him like she could, except for K-2SO, but his memory slept in the data chip she knew Cassian wore around his neck and under his clothing.

Even when they had all the time in the world after the war, they never did get to fix him. Cassian was too busy leaving jobs as soon as he found them, and Jyn rarely left Leia’s side at the senate. It was hard, exasperating work that left her in a foul mood when she returned home to the apartment, Cassian asleep but their apartment clean and food ready for her.

Everything looked fine, but her home felt hollow and she couldn’t understand what had happened until she remembered that the war was over. He must have come to the same realization when she came to bed one night and, with his back to her, proposed that they go their separate ways.

Now he said, “I want to be, but…”

“But why not?” she demanded, her heart a heavy lump in her throat. “We know each other.”

“We knew each other during the war. I’m not the same man now that I was back then, Jyn.”

It was the same argument as before, practically word for word. Only she was exhausted back then as she pretended to Leia and her friends in the Senate that everything was fine between her and Cassian, that they embraced this unsettling peace with open arms, and without the pressure of war they could finally focus on each other.

They never did. He was gone to a new job when she woke up and dead asleep on the far side of their bed when she returned. After enough space, enough distance…she wanted him so badly, would curl against his back in the dark, but he didn’t respond. She wasn’t stupid. She knew when she was being pushed out, but it still tore her heart out that it took her so long to realize that the same heavy pressure of the war that pushed them on the brink of survival was also responsible for keeping them together. 

At least, that was what she thought at the time.

“I’m not the same woman I was before. I changed after Scarif, I changed after the war, and I changed after you left. You’ll never believe it, but I’ve been going to therapy to sort out all _this_ out,” she said, waving a hand over her head before plopping it back in her lap.

“I hope that it’s been helping," he said.

She felt the old familiar pull to just fall into and hold onto him long after the storm passed. If they were different people, then why did her heart still yearn to be close to his?

“It has, with a lot of my issues. I think I have an idea of what ‘normal’ should be, but I have one regret that I’ll never get over.”

“What was that?”

She sniffed, her tears already halfway down her cheeks as years of repressed grief boiled to the surface. 

“I should have gone after you.”

He inhaled sharply, then shook his head. “It was for the best.”

“No, it wasn’t!” she cried, her fists slamming against the arm of her chair. “I knew it wasn’t but I thought you didn’t love me anymore and I didn’t want to drag it out if it wasn’t meant to work out, but I should have stayed, I should have fought--”

He took her fists and they melted in his hands. His rough thumbs rubbed circles over her knuckles, as if he could massage the white scars away. He said he was different than before, but his gentleness and care for her was all too familiar.

“I would have dragged you down with me, Jyn. I know how resentment warps people, and I didn’t…I feared…I know I would have resented you if you stayed with me. I would have taken everything from you and hated you for it. But now, you have a job, you have food on your table, you have a home in a peaceful neighborhood. If staying away from you allowed you this happiness, then I know I made the right decision. Are you happy, Jyn?”

Her mouth opened, but she couldn’t lie and tell him no. He was right, she was safe and secure, in a job that was only bearable at first because of Leia but now that she caught her footing she at least felt competent at her job in helping to keep the senate functional. She had a couple of new friends, a favorite café to observe normal people going about their day, and a calm river to run by. She was happy, but she wanted more, and she wanted him to have more too.

Jyn curled her fingers around his, squeezing just enough to feel the bone beneath his flesh. She locked her gaze onto his.

“I am, and I want to share my happiness with you, Cassian.”

He shuddered, his eyes blinking rapidly, but he didn’t let go.

“No--” he whimpered.

“I want you to stay with me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why? Where are you going after you leave?”

“It’s a big city, I’ll find something.”

“And then what? Are you going to hop from planet to planet until you drop dead? You’ll just disappear, and I’ll never see you again. Stay with me.”

He stared at her, his chest heaving in the thick, damp air.

“Please,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry.”

His hands went limp, and the shock bought him the moment he needed to wriggle free from her grasp. She gaped at her hands, cold from his absence.

“Why did you come here?” she asked what should have been her first question, but he had a way of knocking her off balance that few others did. “Why are you here even when you said we couldn’t see each other anymore?”

His eyes fell to his fists on his knees. “I hadn’t planned on seeing you, Jyn. I just wanted to make sure you were doing all right before I went on my way. When I reached your gate I couldn’t…I couldn’t leave. I needed to see you one last time. It was selfish but I’m glad I did. It’s good to see you doing so well in this new galaxy.”

“And what about you, Cassian? Where do you belong?”

His somber gaze reached up towards hers again, and shattered her cracked heart.

“There is no place for me, Jyn.”

He stood up and walked towards the front door, thanking G2-S5 on the way out. Jyn pushed herself up on her bare, numb feet. She stumbled towards the front door, lightheaded and determined to not make the same mistake she made two years ago. Maybe she’d regret it, maybe he’d resent her, but she needed to try, he needed to know--

She followed him outside, calling his name over the deafening gusts of wind and the lash of rain against her face. When Jyn caught the elbow of his jacket, he pivoted on her, his face looming over hers. Her shoulders tensed, but she didn’t back down under his dark glare.

“I have nothing to offer you,” he said, his voice brittle.

“You changed my life for the better. You gave me hope for the future again. Let me do the same for you.”

“It was because of the Rebellion that I--”

“It wasn’t the Rebellion, it wasn’t Scarif, it was you, you karking idiot. You trusted me despite my record. You believed in me when I only had my word. You came back for me even at the risk of your reputation and your life.”

Overwhelmed with a new wave of tears, she looked down at the mud that bubbled under his boots and her bare feet, but she rubbed them away and dug up the last of her courage to look at him.

“You shared your bed and your heart with me. You took care of me when I was sick or hurt. You made me feel safe and secure and loved even when the galaxy was falling apart. Maybe we needed that time apart to figure out how to navigate our new lives. I didn’t like it, but I understood it. It’s been two years, and I still love you, I want you, and our house is empty without you. Come home.”

Lightening cracked overhead, close enough to blind them as the earth rumbled beneath their feet. When her vision returned, Cassian still stood in front of her, though it was hard to read his face through her veil of tears. Nothing she did or said, she knew, would make him want to stay if he didn’t want to stay. So there was hope when he pulled her into his arms. His heat radiated from under his cold, wet shirt, his heart beating fast against her eardrum. She clung to him, weeping quietly as the storm raged around them. There was a drop of hope in a sea of terror, because the last time he held her this tightly was the day he told her goodbye.

So it made the back of her neck tingle when he brushed her bangs back and gently pressed his lips against her forehead. She pressed her cold nose into the crook of his exposed neck and felt the chain of K-2SO’s datachip. Jyn lifted her face and closed her eyes so she could feel his kiss on her eyelid, soft as a butterfly’s wing. Her hope and her fear clawed at each other, because Cassian wouldn’t torture her like this unless he wanted to leave her so devastated that she wouldn’t run after him if he left. His lips trailed down the curve of her cheek, his eyelashes tickling her skin, and settled against her ear.

“I’m home,” he whispered.

Jyn released the breath she didn’t know she had been holding, but it came out as a whimper. He readjusted his hold on her so he could cradle the back of her neck as she cried.

“I’m sorry, Jyn. I’m sorry I--”

Jyn interrupted him by pushing herself up on her toes and kissed the lips she missed these last two years. She blossomed with warmth from the tip of her nose that bumped against his, down to her hands that curled under the hood of his jack, and finally to her toes that grasped at the toes of his boots. She tasted his tears as he smiled under her lips.

“Welcome back,” she said, but the thunder drowned her out.

He kissed her lips like he heard her anyway. Together they ran down the path lit up by the lightening and dashed inside the home to take shelter from the storm.

**Author's Note:**

> Leaving this as a 1/1 one shot for now because I do want to come back to this and add an epilogue from Cassian's POV but I'm not sure when.


End file.
